← Tous les articles
🔗 Partager
Start in BDSM: find its place when one is submissive or dominant
SadisticElegance
1 août 2026
We often imagine that the roles in the BDSM are clear squares: on the one hand those who command, and on the other those who obey. The reality is infinitely softer, more nuanced, and above all more personal. Starting out is not choosing a camp — it is going to discover what makes you vibrate, at your own pace, without pressure.If you read these lines, it's probably something that attracts you, intrigues you, or works with you for a while. Good news: there is no "good" way to start, only yours.Submitted, dominant: what is really being discussed? Let's forget the clichés right away. To be dominant is not to be authoritarian in life, brutal or insensitive. To be submissive is not to be weak, passive or unwilling. These roles describe a way of living exchange, power and pleasure in a chosen setting — not a frozen personality.One dominant is responsible for guiding a scene, holding a frame, watching over the other as much as testing it. A submissive person offers his confidence, abandons himself, explores the let go. And in fact, these two positions feed on each other: there is no flourishing domination without a submission that freely chooses it, and vice versa.*"But how do I know what I am? This is probably the question that comes back most often, and the answer may surprise you: you do not have to know right away. Many people take months, sometimes years, to figure out what drives them — and some find that they are switchable, i.e. comfortable in both roles depending on the moment, partner or mood.Some ways to listen:Your fantasies. To what does your imagination slip spontaneously? Are you dreaming of guiding, deciding, seeing the other give up? Or trust, follow, let yourself be carried?Your feelings. Does the idea of holding the reins give you an excitement, a sense of responsibility that makes you grey? Or is it the fact that you are relieved of the control that soothes and elects you?Your curiosity. Sometimes the only way to know is to try — cautiously, with the right person.None of this is engraved in marble. Your place can evolve, and it's perfectly healthy.The first steps, concretelyEnquire, over and over againBefore you touch anything, feed your curiosity. Read, listen to testimonies, talk with people in the community. The BDSM is based on a knowledge base — security, technology, communication — that is not improvising. It's not rebarbative: it's even often exciting to discover the extent of what's possible.Communicate before playingIt's the heart of everything. Before a first experiment, we talk about his desires, his limitations, his apprehensions. We define what we are ready to explore and what is absolutely out of question. This conversation is not cold — it builds confidence that will make everything else possible.Start slowlyNobody starts with an intense scene. A first step can be as simple as a light role play, a blindfold, a few whispered instructions. The intensity will come later, if you wish. There is no race, no level to achieve.Choose the right personA partner to begin with is someone who listens to you, respects your limits, and never tries to force the rhythm. Beware of who sweeps your hesitations or presses you. A good dominant one, in particular, knows that patience and attention are part of the game.What to start is notBeginning is not to love everything. You have the right to test something and find out it's not for you. Nor is it to be locked in a definitive label, or to prove anything to anyone. Your journey belongs to you.Above all, starting is never giving up on his safety or consent. Whatever your role, you keep the right to say stop at any time.You are not aloneThe best surprise, when you join the kink community, is how welcoming it is. No one was born knowing. Every experienced person has one day been exactly where you are: curious, a little intimidated, full of questions.Surround yourself, ask questions, take your time. You will find your place — not by searching frantically, but by allowing yourself to explore, quietly, what makes you feel good.
💬 Commenter